Chapter 1
HOW TO REDUCE FRICTION AND
PRESERVE LOVE
IT
is said Professor Larkin thinks three-fourths of the married couples
in the
world hate each other, and that marriage ought to be forbidden by law!
Somebody
else says ninety percent of married couples hate each other.
I
don't believe it. I do believe that at least three-quarters of married
folks
love each other more than they guess. The proof is that they make
unheard of
sacrifices for each other when need arises; that they stick together
when they
could separate if they chose; last, but not least, that most of them
never see
other persons they would prefer to live with day in and day out, to
their own
wives or husbands with all their faults.
The
truth of the matter as I see it is this: About ninety percent of the
husbands
and wives who can't get along with each other couldn't get along with
anybody
else under similar conditions, for the reason that they can't or don't
adjust themselves
to each other.
The
cause of this is the old notion which we are outgrowing, thank God,
that
marriage is bondage, ownership. Men think they own their wives, wives
think
they own their husbands. Each exercises his ownership by trying to make
the other
do the main part of the readjusting. Each instinctively resents and
resists the
encroach-ments of the other. And the result is — hell.
But
even in hell love is.
Let
somebody from outside encroach on both man and wife and see how quickly
they
will stand as the one they really want
to be, and are at heart.
This
reminds me of a story. A man dreamed he died and went to hell. Instead
of the
hell he had always believed in, he found a place that reminded him of
Central
Park in July. Along a shady walk approached several happy looking men,
who came
up and greeted him. One of the men introduced himself as Bob Ingersoll.
"Well, how do you like hell?" said Bob. "I am amazed,"
replied our dreamer, "to see such a beautiful place." "It is
pretty nice now, isn't it," answered Bob sociably. “But
you just ought to have seen the place when we got here."
What
Bob Ingersoll and his friends did for a dream hell can be done for
marriage by
almost any ordinary man or woman.
Do
I mean man and woman? No. It takes
just one to begin the important improvements in the marriage hell —
preferably
the woman, since she is in charge of the home. But either man or woman
can do
it.
How
can a woman do it? By living her own life according to her own
conscience, by
adjusting herself to conditions as she finds them, and setting herself
to
improve them as well as she can without too much friction.
Faith,
hope, and kindness remove friction and reveal love.
The
difference between hell and heaven is the difference between friction
and no
friction; between fight and co-operation.
To
eliminate friction readjust yourself. This does not mean you are to be
a
door-mat, or a mush. It means that where you cannot touch your husband
pleasantly, you are to touch him not at all. To vibrate with him when
you can;
when you can't, to go off and vibrate with yourself. And
to leave him free to do the same.
Heaven
is freedom and kindly co-operation. Hell is bondage and antagonism. And
any
hell may be transformed into heaven.
What
if your husband (or your wife) won't let you be free? But he can't help
himself. Here is a hint: Agree when you can; please when you can; never
chew
the rag. Read him (or her) the Declaration of, Independence if
necessary, then
shut up and go about your business.
If
you keep mum and follow your conscience the Spirit of Truth will
illuminate
both of you and dissipate the sulks. Truly "the believing wife shall
sanctify the husband" — and vice
versa.
That
is, the wife or husband who believes the Spirit of Truth is real and
works for
Tightness in both, will hold her tongue in peace. And verily she shall
be
blessed and her husband with her.
HEAVEN IS ANY PLACE WHERE PEOPLE LIVE CLOSE
TOGETHER
AND ENJOY EACH OTHER.
Marriage
is the school where people live closest and therefore have best
opportunity to
work out heaven in all its details.
Until
human beings are happy in marriage they miss heaven.
The
fewer vows a man and wife exchange, the better. Make no promises that
you are
not absolutely certain you can and will keep without strain. A very
tiny
promise broken assumes huge propor-tions.
Subdue
yourself, devote yourself with all Good Will to the work which belongs
to you; expecting nothing in return. Give love
and service, expecting nothing in return beyond what you can get
without
contending; knowing that love and service are for the lover and server,
that
they bring their own reward. If you expect things from others you will
be
disappointed; if you expect nothing from others you will find yourself
made
happy at every turn by little unexpected attentions and services.
Cultivate
the habit of appreciation; lay for chances to say; "Thank you,
dearest!"
— but never let yourself be fretted because the other party forgets to
say it.
Resist
not evil; but never mind when the other party resists! Go cheerfully on
your
way, making your own decisions in your own sphere, and knowing that in
due time
the other person will leave you free to make your own choices in your
own
sphere, just as you leave him free to make his choice in his sphere.
Forgive
trespasses, and smile! So shall your trespasses be forgiven.
Let
husband and wife keep on polite terms with each other. Loving kindness
covereth
the multitude of shortcomings — it does not poke fun at them, or tease.
Teasing
begins in smiles and ends in galled spots. Avoid the galled spots.
Make
it your rule never to get provoked when the other one is provoked. Wait
until
he is calmed down before you make your answer. Then make it in truth
and
likewise in gentleness. Make this the light habit of your marriage, and
you
will find it a talisman against evil.
Last
but not by any means least, remember that it always takes two to make a
quarrel, and that either one can stop it.
By just LETTING GO, and remembering that what you cannot get for
yourself, the
One Spirit working in and through both will get for you, if you give it
a
little time. When in doubt, be still until the spirit of love tips you
the
wink.
Avoid
tension as you would a pestilence — let
go! So shall patience have her perfect work.
Chapter 2
THE GETTING MAD HABIT
IT is a fact that a great many people confess that they cannot even
play a game
of cards without getting mad — either at their own "luck," or the
"stupidity" of their partners, or the crankiness of somebody else.
Which
reminds me how I overcame a habit of "getting mad" when the children
interrupted me in the midst of some exciting tale just when the villain
was
clutching Guinevere and nobody near to save. When I was reading
something
specially thrilling — at that time I read only religious stories — the
children
seemed possessed to tease me for this, that, and the other. And I was
cross
before I thought. And I thought I "couldn't help it," but I did hate myself for the crossness.
Then
one day in my silence hour this sentence dropped into my consciousness,
alongside the thought of my impatience with the children — "If
thy right hand cause thee to offend cut it off and cast it
from thee." It was like cutting off my right hand to give up
reading
those religious novels which "did me so much good." But the voice of
the spirit had spoken. I swore off on novel reading. For a whole year I
read
not a single novel.
Then
a friend asked me to read a new religious novel. I did. It was the most
absorbing story! And the children seemed doubly possessed to interrupt
me! And
everybody else into the bargain! I read every minute I could until the
story
was finished. Then I realized that I had been interrupted ninety-nine
times,
more or less, and hadn't been even tempted to impatience a single time.
You
see, I had grown in that year, grown in self-control; or rather I had
learned
poise, the power to turn readily from one thing to another. If I had
kept on
reading novels that year I would have wasted much energy in impatience,
and
would have fixed upon myself the
habit of flying off the handle at interruptions. As it was, the spirit
led me
to do just the right thing, and I did it
— the one thing that enabled me to do what I had longed and prayed to
be able
to do, control my temper.
The
devil of crossness certainly does get into everybody who comes into
contact
with the cross one. Others may have better self-command than to show
it, but
they feel the cross vibrations just
the same.
And
when you have made somebody cross you only make her crosser by mental
affirmations of "I love you!" When you have made her cross she
resents you and doesn't want you to
love her. Do you want the love of
some "hateful old thing'' who is mean to you? Of course not. You want
her
to let you alone.
Next
time you start vibrations of crossness change them by speaking PEACE to
the
troubled waves. To be still is the cure for crossness. After things are
all
quiet and peaceful again, then is time to start the I-love-you
vibrations.
It
is like this: Crossness starts vibrations across
other people's vibrations; just as if your friend had dropped a pebble
into a
pool, making neat little ripples radiating toward the shore; and then
you threw
in two or three more pebbles, each starting its own series of ripples
and chopping up the ripples your friend
started. Crossness is like that — your vibrations go across your
friends'
vibrations.
You
see peace is the only thing that will
stop the cross-vibrations and make it possible to start harmonious
ones.
Just
remember this next time you make somebody cross. Don't put your arms
around her
the next minute and tell her you're sorry. And don't try to jolly it
off. If
you do she will be very apt to flounce away from you, or say something
ugly to
add to the general crossness. Just let go
— don't try to "start harmonious
vibrations" — be still and let the
atmosphere calm down a bit. Then change the subject.
Later you can
apologize if you want to, and she — or he — will meet you half-way or
better.
The
same principle works with a cross child. Scoldings, lectures, slaps,
punishment, all add to the general crossness of vibrations, until a
regular
psychic storm tosses both parent and child into doing what neither
would dream
of doing if let alone. If the child
is sent to his room and the mother goes to hers, the cross vibrations
will soon
quiet down, when they will find it very easy to come to an
understanding.
The
parent who has gumption enough to speak
peace first can do anything with
a child — anything that is right.
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